This reporter gained exclusive access to the first-ever appearance of Santa Claus before the joint Congressional Committee on Investigations. Here is how this historic event unfolded:
“The committee will come to order,” said the chairman, Sen. Gerry Mander, slamming his gavel. “Today we are pleased to have Santa Claus here to answer some very serious allegations. As you know, Mr. Claus, the atmosphere in Washington is not particularly good these days. People don’t tend to trust one another in Congress, in the administration, even in the judiciary,” said the senator.
“We have investigated each other, fat cat political contributors, bankers, oil tycoons, even the Boy Scouts—just about everyone we can possibly investigate. And, frankly, we’re running out of people to blame of our mistakes. So you’re next.”
Members of Congress prepare to grill Santa.
Mr. Claus conferred with his legal representative but made no comment.
“Point of order, Mr. Chairman,” said Rep. I.M. Rich. “I’m concerned that this might not actually be Santa Claus. I’m informed by staff that he goes by several aliases, which as we all know can be the hallmark of a criminal mastermind or terrorist. At some times he is also known as Kris Kringle, or Father Christmas, even Pere Noel.”
“That may be,” stated Sen. Philip Buster. “But I have a much bigger concern. Whatever his name is, there is the serious issue of illegal electronic surveillance.”
A buzz filled the room.
“I’m particularly concerned,” the senator continued, about the claims that he ‘knows when you are sleeping’ and ‘he knows when you’re awake.’ That is evidence of warrantless wiretapping or video surveillance or some other illegal breach of personal privacy.”
“Mr. Chairman, I—” Mr. Claus started to respond.
“You think that’s bad,” said Sen. Rigo Mortis. “This character is rumored to run a sweatshop up there in the North Pole, exploiting child labor, no less. My staff tells me that dozens of small children wearing pointed hats labor seven days a week for months on end producing cheap knockoffs of the cheap Chinese knockoffs of whatever we used to make in the U.S.”
Mr. Claus didn’t even try to respond.
“And I bet I get a ticket for double-parking my sleigh.”
“Let’s refer the elves issue to the Department of Labor. Surely there’s a wage-and-hour problem here,” said the chairman, adding: “Is the North Pole a right-to-work state?”
“I don’t think the North Pole is a state—yet,” said Sen. Mortis. “But it’s probably a terrific tax haven.”
“Mr. Chairman,” Rep. Rich jumped in. “We have not explored the national security and immigration threats that Mr. Claus presents. I mean, he comes into our country and leaves without clearing customs or having to be frisked by the TSA, like the rest of us. And he claims to reach every home in the world during a single evening. Even accounting for time zone changes, that would require some sort of faster-than-light travel. This man clearly controls technology that poses a significant danger if it falls into the hands of our enemies.”
“Any comment, Mr. Claus?” the chairman asked.
After consulting with his representative, he responded: “I’ll plead the fifth, senator.”
“That’s unfortunate, Mr. Claus,” Sen. Mander stated. “You know, the thing that bothers me the most about your shady operation is this whole ‘who’s been bad and who’s been good’ thing. I mean, what criteria do you use to decide? How do you avoid discriminating on the basis of protected classes?”
Mr. Claus just stared at the chairman.
“Okay, I can tell we are not going to get any useful information out of this man. I guess there’s nothing left for this committee to do but—”
“Wait a minute,” said a familiar voice. None other than President Barack Obama entered the hearing room. “Can I have a minute alone with Mr. Claus?
“This highly unusual,” said the chairman. “But proceed.”
After the room cleared, the president spoke directly to Santa.
“I want to apologize for the way you have been treated here,” he began.
Santa Claus seemed to perk up.
“But I’ve got to tell you, we’re really in a fix here in Washington. Any chance you can help us out with a few trillion dollars to get us through this fiscal cliff problem?”
Mr. Claus offered one brief comment on his way out the door:
“Ho ho ho!”
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